Reineke (auxesis) wrote in dear_celeb,

Dear Celine Dion...

...we have heard your 'beautiful' voice and we have listened to your story of quasi-pedophilia, including full photo spreads of you and father christmas getting married while swathed in your millions and millions of dollars.

Something I've always wondered- what would have happened if he'd just screwed you and taken your money, instead of making you love him and getting to keep it anyway?

Alas, I digress. I do admit to being nearly the antithesis of a 'fan' of yours throughout the years(including the Shoulderpad Era), but I fell to that proverbial bygonery and decided to let you live.

But now you've gone and done it.

So covers are commonly a risking undertaking. 9 out of 10 covers are worse than the original, though that rare 10 percent are even BETTER. You honey.... heh....

I Drove All Night?

Alright. First of all, covering Roy Orbison was a HUGE mistake. Given the guy has the same syndrome as Bob Dylan, MOST of his songs sound better done by other people. But I'm not worried about the Orbison version. Cyndi Lauper. You not only tried to best Roy, but Cyndi. Now... Cyndi's not always batted a thousand, but she's remained brave, original, and polished through it all. And her cover of I Drove All Night has long been on many people's Best Of list. Did you think just because you had the RANGE that you could match the SOUL?

Sorry love. Souls aren't issued to waspy french canadian wives of geriatrics. I had no idea at the time, but SNL really had you pegged.

And then you SOLD the song to a CAR company?! You took a well-written, well-covered song about love and longing and turned into a soulless, wafer-thin acrylic-and-silicone DRONE?

Blech. If I had any respect it is lost. I wish I were Anne Robinson. The satisfaction of saying 'You are the weakest link. Goodbye!' and watching your pinched, tight, oblong face looking dismayed as you were led offstage would be ALMOST triumph enough for me, simply because we have not the technology to erase your song's existence nor I the energy to run around the world and beg everyone to forget they ever heard it.

And to think there are some people out there going 'I really love that new Celine Dion song. She's such a great songwriter'.

Yours In Disgust,

Please Let Me Die Before Your Next Single Comes Out
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