Candice - mB (maliciousbeauty) wrote in dear_celeb,
Candice - mB

Dear Elijah Wood :

You don't return my phone calls. I suppose you're off playing with your hobbit costars, but still. It's only right after that night spent in Vegas, Eljah. I'm just saying.

I wanted to ask you though and I should've that night, but why do you keep making movies? You hit the mark with The Lord of the Rings trilogy and I admit, it's one of my favorite film series to date. Complete epic, it was done brilliantly and your acting was flawless. Gorgeous. Vulnerability and strength within those big huge blue eyes and that little tiny pout you always wear. I was wet, safe to say, during ninety percent of the movie. ( I leave out that other ten percent because I'm not turned on when you're getting dangerously close to nuzzling with Sean Astin. )

But you now, I was a fan long before those movies. Remember The Good Son? Brilliant. You and Culkin were amazing in that and you were so young. Then you released pile of crap after pile of crap. Unknown films like The War and Flipper. Baby, didn't you learn from that entire Ben Affleck thing? You do an art film and then a safe picture.. but not a single one of these could be considered either.

And then you decided after the first go 'round with LotR that you'd do a film with Ed Burns. I completely support this, because the film was excellent. Ash Wednsday wasn't one of your safe pictures, but you weren't that great in it either. You're scheduled to do a few movies that are already in production that I'm cringing over.

Elijah, you and I - we're like twins. We're always considered to be youthful and beautiful, but that doesn't change the fact that if we ever hoisted a gun up in the air and tried to use our big mean voices - we get laughed at.

You know what I'm talking about.

You will never be a .. Josh Hartnett or even a Brad Renfro. Hell, you're just never going to look older. Your body will always resemble that of a fourteen year old boy's - your face will always have a dulcet boredom and your voice will always be emotionless unless twinged with Hobbiton accent.

What happened, sweetie? Remember North? I do. Fondly. Remember running away from that Home Alone punk? Run again, honey. He's making more of a name for himself for being a gay murderer in his films.

Ah well. Maybe Peter Jackson will hire someone to tell more tales about Frodo and you'll be back ontop.

I just watched Try Seventeen also known as All I Want featuring you and Mandy Moore, drinking and making out. I never want to see you make out again. It's like a gay woman trying to suck cock, sweetheart. Just stop now. People are starting to talk..

I love the movie, but hate your acting. It's scary. Perhaps because it's so realistic that it makes me uncomfortable. Who knows.

You are loved anyway, even for your latter day sins. Even if you made Flipper, even if you made The War.. and I even forgive you for Radio Flyer. You are forgiven.

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*claps* Masterful!