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Dear Celebrity...

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Dear chris brown, [24 Oct 2006|11:30pm]

Hey boy

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Dear Olsen Girl : [13 Jul 2004|07:13pm]

Dear Mary Kate,

When I was a younger girl, probably about eight or nine - I enjoyed my nighttime viewings of Full House. It gave me a view into what it would be like to live with three seemingly heterosexual men, have a dead mother and an everlasting dog named Comet. I live through these re-runs now and even as a twenty-three year old woman - I can still appreciate them.

Remember those cute things you and your sister used to say? I can name some, if you forgot : "No way, Jose!", "See You Later, DUDE!", "I WUV YOU UNCOO JOEY!!" and many other classics.

What happened, Mary Kate? Was it the whirlwind success? The plummet? Were you scared you'd end up like John Stamos? Worse yet, Candace Cameron? I hear you, I hear you loud and clear. Did you see that chick's brother? He's a goddamned fruitcake.

But seriously, think of the heavy contrast from the days as Michelle Tanner and think about yourself now. No longer do you say the cute little catchphrases that even the doll named after your sitcom character said - but instead you've replaced them with hits such as : "Where is my strap, Ashley?", "Is this needle clean?", "I swear to God that chair just walked into the bathroom." and the classic "How did I get here and where are my panties?".

Take a glance over these, sweetie. Think of which sounded better for a girl your age with your kind of money. Buy a rehab center, invest in horses and spend your time gardening. You're too young to hitting bottom. Best to get back up again.

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Dear Elijah Wood : [11 Jul 2004|02:45pm]

You don't return my phone calls. I suppose you're off playing with your hobbit costars, but still. It's only right after that night spent in Vegas, Eljah. I'm just saying.

I wanted to ask you though and I should've that night, but why do you keep making movies? You hit the mark with The Lord of the Rings trilogy and I admit, it's one of my favorite film series to date. Complete epic, it was done brilliantly and your acting was flawless. Gorgeous. Vulnerability and strength within those big huge blue eyes and that little tiny pout you always wear. I was wet, safe to say, during ninety percent of the movie. ( I leave out that other ten percent because I'm not turned on when you're getting dangerously close to nuzzling with Sean Astin. )

But you now, I was a fan long before those movies. Remember The Good Son? Brilliant. You and Culkin were amazing in that and you were so young. Then you released pile of crap after pile of crap. Unknown films like The War and Flipper. Baby, didn't you learn from that entire Ben Affleck thing? You do an art film and then a safe picture.. but not a single one of these could be considered either.

And then you decided after the first go 'round with LotR that you'd do a film with Ed Burns. I completely support this, because the film was excellent. Ash Wednsday wasn't one of your safe pictures, but you weren't that great in it either. You're scheduled to do a few movies that are already in production that I'm cringing over.

Elijah, you and I - we're like twins. We're always considered to be youthful and beautiful, but that doesn't change the fact that if we ever hoisted a gun up in the air and tried to use our big mean voices - we get laughed at.

You know what I'm talking about.

You will never be a .. Josh Hartnett or even a Brad Renfro. Hell, you're just never going to look older. Your body will always resemble that of a fourteen year old boy's - your face will always have a dulcet boredom and your voice will always be emotionless unless twinged with Hobbiton accent.

What happened, sweetie? Remember North? I do. Fondly. Remember running away from that Home Alone punk? Run again, honey. He's making more of a name for himself for being a gay murderer in his films.

Ah well. Maybe Peter Jackson will hire someone to tell more tales about Frodo and you'll be back ontop.

I just watched Try Seventeen also known as All I Want featuring you and Mandy Moore, drinking and making out. I never want to see you make out again. It's like a gay woman trying to suck cock, sweetheart. Just stop now. People are starting to talk..

I love the movie, but hate your acting. It's scary. Perhaps because it's so realistic that it makes me uncomfortable. Who knows.

You are loved anyway, even for your latter day sins. Even if you made Flipper, even if you made The War.. and I even forgive you for Radio Flyer. You are forgiven.

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[30 May 2004|04:44am]

Dear Tom Arnold,

This is regarding your appearance on Conan a few nights ago.

Please, just lay off the crack, stuff a Quizno sandwich in your mouth, and go home. You are goddamn annoying. And while you're at it, stop giving out crack to fourteen-year-olds. I know Daniel Radcliffe wasn't that jittery just because of his nerves.

Signed sincerely me.
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[01 Mar 2004|01:07am]

[ mood | creative ]

Dear Oscar,

It's me, acangie, best known for being "The One Person in America Who Hasn't Seen Return of the King Yet." Anyway, congratulations on getting through your seventy-sixth run. It was really sweet of you to give Peter Jackson the time of his life. People say Return of the King was a wonderful film, and I believe them. The other two movies weren't exactly my cup of tea, but I do appreciate that they were very well made and that most other people really, really liked it.

However, I do have to say that it makes the awards quite boring to watch when one movie wins in every single category and, what's more, everyone already knows it's going to win in every single category. Yes, it's a masterpiece, but isn't eleven awards just a tad bit excessive? Couldn't you spread the wealth around, just a little? Throw us a suprise here and there? Acknowledge that it wasn't the only good movie that came out in 2003?

I also want to point out that you were spectacularly uncreative this year in the non-Lord of the Rings categories as well. Charlize Theron? Sean Penn? Renee Zellweger, Finding Nemo... Come on, now. Someone like me, who doesn't even follow awards shows that closely, shouldn't have been able to guess the winners for that many awards so early on.

Oscar, please. For your own good, stop slacking off like this. You have one year to get ready for your seventy-seventh run. Make it more interesting next time, or no one will care anymore. You don't want people to start preferring the Golden Globes awards, now, do you?

Bored in Los Angeles

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Dear every artist that has done a cover of "lovesong" [28 Feb 2004|06:58pm]

[ mood | blah ]

You The Cure HAVE written other songs! Might wanna check 'em out sometime. At least professional murder music did a cover of "A night like this".

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Dear 50 Cent, [31 Jan 2004|02:25am]

[ mood | cranky ]

You've been shot nine times. Either you were stupid enough to put yourself in that situation on nine different occasions, or someone was idiotic enough to shoot you nine times without killing you. Either way, you are the center pillar of a large conspiracy of specially educated retards who were given firearms to play with.

Be hating you until you die a horrible death,

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[12 Dec 2003|02:37am]

Dear nelly,

I know this is crass of me, but has anyone mentioned to you that "nelly" is british slang for BIG FLAMING HOMO?!.

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Dear Britney.... [19 Oct 2003|11:23pm]

Thank you for naming your next album "Ho."

It was becoming increasingly easy to distingiush between yourself and the other over-hyped teen Pop slut, Christina "Dirrrty cooch" Aguilara.

Thankfully, with both of you on a single stage, making out with an aging Pop slut (Madonna) and both of you being romantically linked to a single Pop In-The-Closet Sex Symbol (Justin Timberlake), you've been taking strides to make it easier on fans who want to listen to the same woman, on two different albums.

With this final step, "Ho," the transition seems complete--- and thousands of young girls can rejoice that their favorite two singers (both once known for their shy, girlish sexuality) have once again converged, this time as a couple of nasty whores with the clap which, much like most of the album, was probably produced by one or more of the Neptunes.

Good luck with your career,

A Fan.
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Dear Nelly - [14 Oct 2003|10:59am]

That bandaid on your face doesn't make you look hard.

It makes you look like someone just beat your bony ass.

Get a new angle.
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Dear Celine Dion... [26 Aug 2003|07:20pm]

...we have heard your 'beautiful' voice and we have listened to your story of quasi-pedophilia, including full photo spreads of you and father christmas getting married while swathed in your millions and millions of dollars.

Something I've always wondered- what would have happened if he'd just screwed you and taken your money, instead of making you love him and getting to keep it anyway?

Alas, I digress. I do admit to being nearly the antithesis of a 'fan' of yours throughout the years(including the Shoulderpad Era), but I fell to that proverbial bygonery and decided to let you live.

But now you've gone and done it.

So covers are commonly a risking undertaking. 9 out of 10 covers are worse than the original, though that rare 10 percent are even BETTER. You honey.... heh....

I Drove All Night?

Alright. First of all, covering Roy Orbison was a HUGE mistake. Given the guy has the same syndrome as Bob Dylan, MOST of his songs sound better done by other people. But I'm not worried about the Orbison version. Cyndi Lauper. You not only tried to best Roy, but Cyndi. Now... Cyndi's not always batted a thousand, but she's remained brave, original, and polished through it all. And her cover of I Drove All Night has long been on many people's Best Of list. Did you think just because you had the RANGE that you could match the SOUL?

Sorry love. Souls aren't issued to waspy french canadian wives of geriatrics. I had no idea at the time, but SNL really had you pegged.

And then you SOLD the song to a CAR company?! You took a well-written, well-covered song about love and longing and turned into a soulless, wafer-thin acrylic-and-silicone DRONE?

Blech. If I had any respect it is lost. I wish I were Anne Robinson. The satisfaction of saying 'You are the weakest link. Goodbye!' and watching your pinched, tight, oblong face looking dismayed as you were led offstage would be ALMOST triumph enough for me, simply because we have not the technology to erase your song's existence nor I the energy to run around the world and beg everyone to forget they ever heard it.

And to think there are some people out there going 'I really love that new Celine Dion song. She's such a great songwriter'.

Yours In Disgust,

Please Let Me Die Before Your Next Single Comes Out
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Dear Hollywood, [08 Aug 2003|04:41pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Now, I'm not typically one to complain about things. You give me plenty of good stuff and I enjoy it all. Now that you've finally found out that comic books can be great movies, I'm an amazingly happy camper.

There are, however, somethings that you should never do, never think of doing or let get out of the gate.

Who in the world thought that a CG Garfield interacting with live actors could possibly produce anything of quality? And Namor the Sumariner as a movie? Why is Jurrasic Park 4 even being seriously considered? And don't get me started on that piece of trash Superman script that has Lex Luthor as a Mulder-like FBI agent and then revealing that he's a Kyrptonian too.

Another thing, just because a movie makes $50 million in its first week, that does not mean that it should automatically get a sequel. Especially if the next weeks box office has it drop over 40% into the next week. That is just wrong. Sometimes you can hype and spin things so that they look excellent but after we see them we know them for the crap they are and we tell our friends.

Every once in awhile everyone needs a cheezy movie and I understand that however, there only really needs to be one or two of them a year. For me Tomb Raider 2, Charlies Angels 2 and The League of Extrordinary Gentlemen really filled the bill. Entirely. There doesn't need to be any more this year. At all. Dumb and Dumberer never needed to exist at all.

So, to sum up:
Pirates of the Caribbean = Good. Legally Blonde 2 = Bad.
Lord of the Rings = Good. From Justin to Kelly = Bad.
X2 = Good. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights = Bad.
Troy and Van Helsing = Good. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed = Bad.

Thank you for your time.

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Dear Jennifer Aniston, [05 Aug 2003|01:22pm]
I don’t like you. Not to hurt your feelings, but it’s true. Why, o god why, do you insist on doing movies? Do you think you would have gotten such rave review for The Good Girl if you weren’t married to Mr. Sexiest Man Alive? Do you think media whores fawn over you because you're the next Meryl Streep? Hmm? No, I didn’t think so either.

You are very pretty. You are a hair style trendsetter. Your dad is on DOOL. You get thinner and tanner every season. You are Rachel Green, from a vapid tv show that for some unknown reason has become a classic mega hit. You are good at reading funny lines. You are not, however, what I consider to be a talented actress. Do you know what the worst part of The Good Girl was, Jenny? Yes, that’s right. It was you.

Please be happy with what you have. Matt LeBlanc is, and he gets his very own tv show next season!

a concerned voice of reason (who's new here...)
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Dear Mike Oldfield, [23 Jul 2003|05:48pm]

Tubular Bells 2003 is fantastic. Makes the 1973 version sound like a demo. But for the love of God, man, stop playing with it! You'll go blind!

Your fan,

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[01 Jul 2003|10:16pm]

dear emeril,

you give me lagasse.

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Dear Marilyn Manson [06 Jun 2003|10:32pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

Although I do enjoy your music, you have no buisness doing a Ramones cover, especially a crappy one. That was the last straw.

Now see, my main problem with you is that you take yourself WAY too seriously. Stop thinking you're all Mr.Scary-Anti-christ-Goth, you're about as scary as count chocula.

I also hate you for that "Ain't nothing but a goth thing" T-shirt. Dr. Dre should sue.

The only good thing you've done lately is break up with that no-talent Rose McGowan and her saggy ass.

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[22 Apr 2003|12:07pm]

Dear Hip Hop Community,

Because so many seem incapable of self-regulation, I've decided to set a few ground rules on Hip Hop Nepotism. Half of you know what I'm talking about-- Nas, Eminem, Rza, please tell the others.

1) If you're going to create a little side-group, its required that you sell at Platnium level AT LEAST. Cam'ron, you're a two-bit rapper who'll never go beyond Gold--- no one knows you, so who the fuck cares about the Diplomats? Leading to number two....

2) your group damn well better have a cool name. Dirty Dozen (D12) is good. Diplomats? Not so good.

And, lastly, 3) Most important of all, your group should actually be able to rhyme. Hey Marshall--- did anyone notice that the fat guy has as much skill as a deaf-mute on the mic when you signed up D12? Nas? I know the guy is your little brother, but Jesus.... Nelly? YOU can't rap, so are you coming out with the St. Luni's? Although, I admit-- Little Huey got skillz.

Just keep those things in mind when you want to bring out your own group of homies. Ludacris? Cancel DTP (Disturbing Tha Peace); 50 Cent? G-Unit passes the test.


a lover of music that doesn't suck.
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[19 Apr 2003|11:43am]

being fashionably evil ... now that is a true accomplishment. Its just tragic if you have nukes and are willing to use them and then you go off and dress like some communist dowager, the way Kim Jong Il does.

Dear Christina Aguilera,

We though you were really daring when you first combined heroine chic with Rob Zombie's look, but then you continued to wear it, utterly oblivious to the asthetic crime you were commiting. I have looked upon your face for years now and still, I am not inured to the pain.

Your latest video takes the look to whole new levels of grotesque horror. I beg of you, looking like you're a victim of impetigo or necrotising fasciitis whos makeup was applied by overly zealous, blind, ex-weightlifter cosmeticians is just wrong.

Won't you please think of the children. You were frightening when I had to face you in Diablo, Oh King Leoric, but at least there you're look was appropriate. Surely, you must actually want to have breasts and a boyfriend, no?
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Dear Martha Burk: [13 Apr 2003|11:00am]


Please shut the fuck up and go away. We all know that if my son, when he graduates high school, decides for some stupid ass reason he wants to go to Smith, you won't organize a protest over his exclusion. In fact, you know perfectly well that when discrimination benefits women, not one of you nasty, crusty-crotched old lesbians seem to find anything wrong with it -- and you usually come up with some way of defending it. At least the affirmative action folks aren't hypocrites; hell, there's even been white boys on Grambling's football team.

But you... well, goddamn, Martha, why would any woman want to be a member of Augusta National? Are you under the asinine perception that all those CEOs network and do business deals? Ya know, I've been present at "high level meetings" in country clubs before, back when I was a little turd who bussed tables, and I can guarantee you that a wrinkled old bitch like you wouldn't have wanted to be there. Unless, of course, you want to share your tales about sexing up hot little interns, too.

Even worse, you paint the picture as if they won't even let women in the door. Women played over a thousand rounds at Augusta last year, you silly bint. That's around three a day. Women are allowed as guests. On top of that, if I were a multi-millionaire celebrity, I couldn't get in. There's a fucking waiting list, unless, you know, you happen to win the goddamn tournament.

It's a private club, Martha. You want in and they won't let you; waah, waaah, waaaah. You're nothing more than the little fucking geek pissed off that you weren't pretty enough to make the cheerleading squad. Get over it and go find something more productive to do with yourself and your three dozen ugly friends.

Yours truly,
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Dear Nelly... [06 Apr 2003|12:55pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Dear Nelly,

This has been bothering me for a long time.

Back when you sang "Country Grammar," you used the phrase "manicured toes."

Toes can NOT be manicured. They must be pedicured. Idiot.

Much love and grammar to you, RG.

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